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Saturday, February 12, 2011

My Congressional Morals Seminar

This is the part of the transcript where the bitch sets me up.
I think I’ve figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Somebody’s got to be a Congressional Morals instructor, and I think I’m just the person to do it.

After Rep. Lee of New York became the ∞th (yes, that’s infinity-th) elected public official to be a dumb a-hole, it occurred to me that what this country needs is a seminar.

I’m the perfect person to teach it, because

  1. I always provide coffee with real milk at all meetings that I’m in charge of. No powdered Cremora.
  2. I won’t charge a lot. I’d do it for a small fee, a room at the Marriott, and a small clothing allowance. (I’m good on clothes, but I need some shoes, and accessories would be nice, if I’m going to be up in front of people.)
  3. I’m not perfect but I have never done a fraction of the bad things the average U.S. representative has done. I have lived a life of fear of getting caught, so I’ve kept myself pretty straight and narrow. And while I’m humble, I’m not afraid to lecture these guys and give them the what for. I’m getting to the age where many of them are younger than me now, so it’s getting easier to talk down to them in a condescending way and shame them.

I’m thinking we’ll offer it to incoming representatives and senators, but charge more for governors, mayors and big city council members, too. Anyone with political aspirations can join us and put it on his resume. We’ll hand out certificates that they can use in election materials.

I’ll break it down into four sessions.

Good Choices, Bad Choices and Why Your Penis Is Not Equipped to Make Either

I think there are some books already written on this topic, geared for 2nd graders, which I can use and adapt. I’ll tell my class that when they’re faced with a choice to either go straight home from work to their loving families and their center hall colonials in McLean or go to Argentina with a lingerie model, they need to stop and ask themselves: Which one will allow me to continue to draw this sweet paycheck and which one will have me living in my car and eating out of the vending machines at the bus station within a month?

How Craigslist, YouTube, Facebook, My Space and Simple Email Work

It’s hard to believe that someone who went to Harvard or has a law degree or an MBA, or was able to hold down a job good enough to move out of his mom’s basement would still not be aware that anything you post on anything on the Internet can and will bring you down.

Science is unclear as to why the average 7th grader knows this, yet a middle-aged nerd doesn’t. It may have something to do with age: By the time Gen Z is old enough to hold public office, hiding sexual liaisons may be down to a fine art and we won’t have all this fun to make.

Embracing Your Natural Tendency to Self-Sabotage

It’s not a matter of if they’ll do something outrageous that will lead to utter and complete ruin, it’s a matter of when.

One theory is that at some point between election night and the first 30 days in office, a chemical begins building up in the Ego section of the brain, which compels you to do something stupid and keep doing it until you’re caught. Your chemically altered brain will try to erase everything you’ve learned in the aforementioned Craigslist, etc. seminar, so you have to be keenly aware that it’s happening and put the kibosh on it.

We’ll provide tips on recognizing triggers, for example: Your up-to-now hot wife suddenly doesn’t seem as attractive as the crack whore you pass on your way into the city . . . You find yourself wanting to use your cell phone camera in the bathroom with the door closed . . . You look for excuses to get a post office box under an assumed name that sounds like a pro wrestler or a soap opera character . . . And then we’ll teach you how to slow down the process, at least long enough to serve two full terms.

25 Things That Are Better Than Sex

That’s not just an expression, you know. There actually are many things that are better than sex. It wouldn’t hurt to be reminded of that.

I’ll provide a handy list, laminated and with a clip to keep handy, so whenever temptation arises, you can say them aloud:

“My job. Full custody of my children. My reputation. The American people’s respect. Not being mentioned on The Daily Show. . .”

I also plan to have some guest speakers come in and give some testimonials. Marion Barry, Elliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton all have jobs, but I understand some others might be looking for something that pays a small stipend. Not mentioning any names, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Gary Hart, Mark Sanford, Larry Craig . . . The list is embarrassingly long. Better double that coffee order.